A Most Extraordinary Eleventh Year

My 11th year on this earth was an extraordinary year. I will begin this sharing by saying that I am perhaps the most sane, grounded and well balanced person that I know. I also know for certain, that the people closest to me personally, would attest to this fact. I debated, with myself whether or not to publish this, but sometimes you just have to go out on a limb, and say “what the hell!”.

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As a child I spent most of my waking hours playing outside. Mother Nature was my true mother, who nurtured and comforted me whenever I was feeling lost and alone. My family home was surrounded by farmland, with cows and horses who meandered around the green pastures. Across the road from our home was a cornfield, with corn that had grown much taller than I was at the age of eleven. I always felt safe wandering around the fields and pastures, and I loved the company of the animals. On this particular afternoon in the cornfield, I felt an uneasiness that was so unfamiliar to me. I heard a bang, and then a whizzing noise as something passed by my right ear. As I was trying to figure out what was happening, when I suddenly heard, “whoooo, whoooo”. I turned to follow the sound, and much to my astonishment, there sitting in the tree above my head was a huge owl! I wondered why this nocturnal bird was out in daylight, why it was looking right at me, and I was more than a little surprised that it appeared to be talking to me! Surely a bird as large as this owl was, would have made a noise with it’s wings as it landed in the tree. I knew that it wasn’t there a few moments ago.  The owl continued to hoot at me, all the while staring at me with it’s wise but intense stare. The message was…”GO HOME!”. I began to push through the cornstalks as I made my way towards home. I glanced back towards the owl, but he had disappeared as silently as he had appeared. Once I got home, I told my mother what had happened. Her face went as white as a sheet. She told me that the hunters were outside in the fields that day, and they must have confused me for a deer. I was confined to the house for the rest of the day for my own safety. I have never forgotten that event to this day. It proves to me beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am watched over and protected. I know that I am never alone. Oh, but it gets even better!

Several months later, also during my eleventh year, the atmosphere at home became unbearable to me. I was exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically to the point of severe depression. I couldn’t sleep one night, and I decided that it was time to take action. The rest of my family had gone to sleep hours before. I walked into the kitchen, and over to the drawer with all of the knives in it. I was trying to decide which way was the quickest and least painful way to do it. This was the night that I was going to end the pain and suffering. As I lifted the knife out of the drawer to kill myself, I heard a very stern but motherly voice in my right ear, “PUT THE KNIFE DOWN!”. I don’t know what shocked me more, the authority in the voice, or the fact that there was no one there! I didn’t recognize the voice, and there was certainly no body attached to it, but I did as it commanded. I slowly put the knife back in the drawer and returned to my bed. I couldn’t sleep the rest of the night, but I knew that something out of the ordinary had just happened. Again, someone or something had stepped in to save my life. Ahhh, and it gets even better that that!

After hearing the voice, I began to look for ways to cope with my life rather than ending it. One night, just as I was going to sleep, I felt a weird sensation within my head. It felt like an oscillation within my brain. Suddenly I was looking down at myself lying in bed. I realized that I was no longer in my body, and was almost overcome at the sense of freedom that I felt. I was weightless without my physical form, yet I had full consciousness. I began to float around the room, not wanting to go too far from my body. After some time, I found myself flitting and flying about. I left the physicality of my bedroom, and as I did, I noticed that I had left time and space behind. Nothing mattered but that current moment. I didn’t know at the time that I was having an out-of-body experience. I began to leave my body almost nightly, always returning safely to it by morning. One night while I was exploring and flying about, I was approached by a disembodied spirit. This spirit had left his physical body through physical death. He somehow knew the predicament that I was in within my current life situation. He told me that he could help me by empowering me. He told me that in order to help me, that I would have to let him live in my body with me. He was not threatening in any way, and so I agreed. There was a contract between the two us. If at any time I felt threatened, he would come forward and take action to protect me in any way necessary. His name was Jack, and he became my best friend and saviour. Jack was true to his word, and many times stepped forward to ward off danger from those around me that caused me harm. Jack had arrived to save my life, and protect me from all harm. But the best is still yet to come!

I began to feel much safer in the fall of my eleventh year. My life was far from perfect, but it was happening more on my terms with Jack’s help. One night after I had fallen asleep, I was awoken by a presence in my bedroom. The room was filled with light that was coming from this presence. As I woke up completely, I could see that there was more than one presence, there were several. The feelings emanating from them were total unconditional love and peace. I thought that they must be angels, but that description didn’t seem to fit quite right. There were light beings that were the colour of neon blue. They communicated to me telepathically that they were there to assist me, and they knew that I had been going through some tough times. They surrounded me, all the while emanating this blissfully loving and peaceful energy. I began to feel much better, to the point that I felt lighter and happier than I had been in years. They explained to me that I would not understand the meaning of the experience until I became much older. After a short period of time, they gently removed their energy from me and my room, and then they were gone. I was left feeling much better in so many ways, but with an added confusion. There was a familiarity about them, and I felt no fear at all.  Who were they, and why did they come to me? I woke up the next morning feeling like it was all just a dream. I went into the kitchen for breakfast that morning, and my father was talking about the strange spacecraft that he had witnessed the night before with all of the blinking lights on it. He said that he had gone out into the backyard, and there was a large black circle of burnt grass just yards from our backdoor. Huh!?! It wasn’t a dream at all! My visitors were real! It was strange too, it took a very long time for the grass to grow back in that area of our yard. They had left behind their calling card so that I wouldn’t forget them. These loving guardians and protectors were from another world. They really did save my life.

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My life changed drastically shortly after the blue beings appearance. Everything changed for the better in my life. Most of the depression lifted, and I began to see my life in a new light. Jack was no longer needed for his empowering support, and our contract ended. I now have no doubt that my life has great meaning and purpose, and that I am loved immeasurably. Maybe not everyone has had the bizarre and extraordinary eleventh year that I have had, but I know that we are all loved that much…to the stars and beyond!

 

 

 

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The In’s and Out’s of Sacred Breath

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Breathe…from deep within your being…focus on the breath…as it speaks to you. It was in Zen Shiatsu class, during meditation time, that I really began to understand the creative power of the breath. I had always been so cavalier about it all, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. For the first time ever, I was being taught to breathe not into my lungs, but into my hara. The hara is the area of the abdomen just below the belly button. This was not an easy task at all! This is supposed to be relaxing?!?! The hara is related to our divine power and essence, and is also known as the “Sea of Energy”. So, here I am making my best attempt at multitasking. I am focusing on my posture and keeping my spine straight, breathing into my hara as best I can, attempting to clear my mind of “clutter”, and to top it all off, trying to relax! It took me several weeks to realize that I was just trying too hard. I found that when I allowed my body to just go with the flow, that hara breathing became effortless.

Several months into my course, I had the most astonishing thing happened! During meditation, I breathed into my hara, and a wave of emotion welled up from within the deepest parts of me. I took another deep breath, and it happened again! I continued for the next few minutes, and breath after breath, brought the same results. I needed to know more about this, and what I was experiencing.

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My Zen Shiatsu teacher was very insightful, and patient. He explained to me that we hold physical, emotional and mental blockages within us, created by all of the experiences that we have ever had in our lifetime. This can even include other lifetimes. He went on to explain, that we often “bottle up” or “stuff down” what we perceive as negative experiences. When we do this, it creates the energy blockages within us that cause pain, discomfort, and dis-ease of all types, in order to get our attention. Ahhh, and here’s the kicker! When we breathe into our hara, the power of the breath actually helps to release these blockages. There was so much more priceless knowledge that I learned during that year. I learned to decipher what I was feeling at any given time, what emotions others were feeling when I came into contact with them, but most importantly, I learned how to unlock the blockages inside of me. I don’t think that I truly realized the amazing gifts that I gave myself that year, but I was soon to find out.

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I began to get very creative with my breathing. I thought, if breathing into my hara releases energy blockages within me, what would happen if I breathed directly into any pain or tension I was feeling? I found the results to be remarkable! Anytime I would feel a pain anywhere, I would take a few moments to breath into that area of my body while focusing on it. Usually within a few breaths, the pain or discomfort was either gone or greatly alleviated. Holy Cow!!! Talk about your holistic healing! I got really good at knowing what emotion was attached to the energy blockages within, and even what event in my life had caused the blockage. I had always felt very “heavy” emotionally, and carried with me a bit of a doom and gloom attitude. It was very empowering to know that I could transform the negativity that I had carried with me most of my life. As the blockages were released from me, I began to feel lighter and lighter.

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After becoming so very intimate with my breath, I now know that our breath is so much more than just giving us life. Contained within our breath is the very essence of our creator. It is our connection to all that is, and to each other. We all breath in the same loving and creative energies each day, that connect us all, and remind us that we are beloved sparks of our creator. I will never doubt again how loved I am, and how blessed I am in receiving such a sacred gift. I breathe in the divine love and blessings, and allow them to permeate my being…one sacred breath at a time.

The Best Kind of Selfie: Self-Love

unloved  Unloved. That was the predominant feeling for me for most of my younger years. Those around me in my family caused me great confusion. At home there was great sadness and anger expressed, but when we were outside of our home, masks of “everything is just perfect” were adorned. I often made myself as invisible as possible at home. Being alone was my sanctuary of peace. The predominant feeling of being unloved over the years, soon became a belief of being unlovable. Feeling unlovable as you are entering adolescence becomes a formidable foe. I searched for answers outside of myself, but none were found. As I turned inward for those same answers, I first asked myself some very hard questions. Is there something that I had done to deserve this behaviour shown towards me by those around me? Was I innately a “bad” and unlovable person? No matter how I approached these questions, the answer was always the same. I knew myself to be a warm, kind, and generally loving person. I couldn’t think of a single thing that I had done, that would have caused hurt or pain to anyone.

I spent a lot of my young adulthood looking for the love that I was missing. No one in my life seemed to be able to offer me the depth of love that I needed, and that was a serious amount of love! A couple of times I saw glimpses of that love in relationships with men. Most of the time, the love offered was conditional, and not really love at all.

I had a massive spiritual awakening at the age of 33 years. My awareness was blasted open, and the blinders that I had been wearing for all of those years were removed. I couldn’t look at anything the same way again. I began to read anything and everything I could get my hands on about expanded consciousness and spirituality. I never looked back from that moment. It wouldn’t have done any good anyway, because once you open that door, it can never be closed. I became a seeker of knowledge and wisdom. Like a sponge, the more knowledge that I absorbed, the more expanded my consciousness and understanding grew.

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As I read book after book, the conclusion that I came to was the same. All of the answers that I sought after were inside of me all along. The question that remained? Was I willing to dig down deep enough to get the answers. Thank God for the naïve and adventurous side of me that answered “yes”. The deeper inside of myself that I excavated, the clearer the answers became. If everything comes from within, then doesn’t that mean that the love that I so dearly desired is inside of me too? Absolutely! I figured that it was there buried under all of the crap and false ideas and beliefs that had led me to this point in my life.  I had to sort through and begin letting go of the negative beliefs about who I was, and who I wasn’t.

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On a very practical level, I began by making the decision to do something nice and or special for myself every single day. It was a way of appreciating myself, and a step towards self-love. I enjoyed getting out in nature for long walks, spending time meditating, or quiet time alone reading a good book. Sometimes I would buy myself something that would bring me joy, like fresh flowers. Over time, I noticed that the old unloved me was falling away, and she was being replaced by a happier and more self-appreciating me. I began a practice everyday of looking into a mirror, deep into the eyes of my soul, and saying with deep feeling…”I love you”. It sounds like an easy task, but the first few times I could barely utter the words. When I do it now, the words flow out of my mouth effortlessly.

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All of the love that I ever needed, I was now giving to myself. I always knew how much love that I needed at any given time, and how I wanted to receive it. Since I was now resourceful enough to give myself all of the love that I could ever imagine, I no longer expected it from others. My expectations of what I thought that I needed from others began to shift as well. Some people in my life began to drift away because they couldn’t relate to me anymore. I was for the most part, a completely new me. The conditions that held me in a relationship with others had fallen away, and our relationship became obsolete. New people entered my life that truly loved and supported me without conditions. As I lowered my expectations of others, a most mysterious and miraculous thing happened. Relationships took on a much deeper connection, with more mutual respect, appreciation, and most importantly love. An acceptance of who we were, as we were. I receive plenty of love these days from the people around me, and all because I gave myself the gift of self-love first, and that’s the best selfie ever!

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Great (no) Expectations

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I grew up believing that life was full of disappointment. It seemed that everyone around me let me down in one form or another. This belief has created chaos in all aspects of my life, and in all of my relationships. Until one day I had a major “aha moment”.

I began to ask myself, how is it that everyone around me behaves the same way leaving me let down, time after time. Everyone in my life is a completely different person, with completely different personality traits. Maybe it’s not them, I began to think, maybe it’s me creating this behaviour from them. I pondered these thoughts for quite some time. I really do believe that our thoughts shape our reality. I guess that I never realized that my thoughts had the power to create how someone interacted with me.

After I had been disappointed many times as a child, I adopted a belief system that began to be set in stone. That belief system was that everyone is going to abandon, disappoint, or let me down in some form every time. Well, if that isn’t enough to set me up for failure in all of my relationships throughout my life, I don’t know what is! Time for a belief reboot!

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I met the most amazing and wonderful man several years ago. I almost pushed him away because of the belief systems I had, assuming that he was no different from the rest of the people that had let me down in the past. There was something very different about him. He was so kind hearted, supportive, reassuring, loving, and an all around awesome person. He helped to breakdown the walls that I had built around me. But that is only half of the story.

The next step was to replace the old negative belief system with something that would serve me on a more positive level. I really began to acknowledge that the only reason that people had disappointed me my whole life was because I placed such high expectations on them. What if I didn’t expect anything from anyone outside of myself, what would happen then? I also knew that I couldn’t control anyone’s actions or thoughts, or even their behaviours…so why was I even trying?

It is still a work in progress, and a total thought overhaul, but my new “no expectations” choice as a way of life seems to be working for me. I don’t take others behaviours, actions or words directed at me as personally as I once did. I realize that others behaviours have everything to do with them, and nothing whatsoever to do with me. It also doesn’t mean that I don’t have expectations about myself…I do. I still have dreams that I expect to have fulfilled, but I don’t put expectations on how they will arrive. I place my order to the universe and allow the wisdom and the glory of it to unfold in it’s perfect timing. My motto: act, speak, and think with love…and no expectations.

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The Mystery of Memory Bubbles

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Have you ever been going through your day, minding your own business, when out of nowhere you have a totally random thought? I’m talking about events, people and places that you haven’t given a thought to in decades? So bizarre… surreal even! I have discovered the wonderful blessings in these moments are to be embraced as an opportunity for self discovery. But, I am probably getting a little ahead of myself here.

It all started back in the fall of 2015. Our wonderful and dear planet  was being pummeled with energy from many sources converging at the same time. I felt like I was being sandblasted on all levels of my being, to the point that some days I wanted to do nothing but sleep. I am sure that it was spirits way of making me slow down and take notice. I would feel muscle and nerve twitches in my body as blocked energy would release itself on a physical level, while at the same time I would have a fleeting thought about a particular person or event. These thoughts felt like thought bubbles rising to the surface and then popping to release their precious cargo. I call these my memory  bubbles. More often than not, I would also experience an emotional release from within my emotional body that completed the understanding of the experience. Many times these memory bubbles came and went so fleetingly, that I would miss them if I was busy with something in my day to day activities. I made a conscious choice to make these insightful thoughts a priority, since I knew just how precious they were in my journey of self discovery.

It’s not important to me, or even necessary to dissect all of my thought processes. I just use my memory bubbles as a form of insight and greater understanding of an experience that had a significant impact on me at some point in my life. They just kind of fill in the missing pieces for me. The same thoughts may recur for a period of time as I release all of the physical, mental and emotional components of the experience from all aspects of my being. Once I am finished with the past elements of the experience being released, then I find that I no longer have memory bubbles about that experience.

The best part of my memory  bubbles is knowing that when they surface, that they have left me forever, and I am closer to being free of the past that haunted me and supressed my inner joy. I find that if I stay in the present moment, alert to whatever surfaces, then I can deal with anything that arises from the past. It’s almost like being in two worlds at once.

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It’s funny how the smallest thing from the present can trigger your memory bank, and you suddenly find yourself reliving your past. I feel that it is our soul’s way of reminding us of an experience that we are not done with yet. But I do know, that the soul knows best, and we are never given more to deal with than we can handle. We are all very brave souls to come to this world in the first place.

I embrace and appreciate all of my life’s experiences. I honour the wisdom of my soul that guides my journey, and reveals the treasures within. My memory bubbles are now decreasing almost daily as I surrender to their inner understanding and guidance, leaving behind them an inner peace and a feeling of freedom. It really gives a whole new and positive meaning to “burst your bubble”!